Calm

I’m feeling somewhat charitable today. While rereading an earlier section of the book to remind myself of past events, I was struck by the thought that you might enjoy it as well. Also, I feel bad because it’s been so long since the last book 🙂

Excerpt

Himoto always said that the hardest thing in war were the times between. Those periods after one battle but before the next. When you were on standby mode until the next thing happened.

Never had Kira felt those words more keenly.

Uncertainty was a thorn under her skin as her mind went back on forth on possible outcomes. All the while her inner demons whispering in her ear about her failures. The things she could have done but didn’t.

Kira closed her eyes and slowed her breathing.

In. And then out.

Over and over again until her fears receded. Not gone. Never gone. But they no longer had a strangle hold over her.

Fear was a funny beast. It was a necessary part of the human and Tuann condition. Without it, you made arrogant mistakes, thinking you were invincible when you were a mere ant in front of the cosmos.

Kira had served with a few people like that in the war. Those who had either lost or gone numb to fear. The ones who started to believe themselves bulletproof. Invariably they always ended up dead. Often in circumstances that could have been prevented with just a little caution.

Yet too much fear was as dangerous as too little, crippling you until you couldn’t move without anxiety squeezing you by the throat.

As with all things, it was a balance. You needed just enough to stay alert and aware but not so much that you were rendered useless.

This situation had pressed on every one of Kira’s trigger points. Every fear and concern/terror that she thought she’d put behind her.

Her inner demons had shown up and shown out as a result.

Big time.

It was hard to think with them hammering at her skull, demanding action. In another time and space, a version of herself that was younger and slightly more impetuous would have been tempted to answer with violence.

She would have used her primus to throw herself against these walls, over and over until either they or her broke.

Whichever came first.

At that thought, Kira took another steadying breath.

Losing herself to grief and rage had already led her to failing her friends once. Those who’d survived when the rest of the Curs hadn’t. People like Raider and Blue. Jin.

She wouldn’t go down that road again. As long as there was a single person alive whom she counted as hers, she would hold the course. She would be the Phoenix she needed to be and not fall apart. She’d be their strength and safe harbor in the same way they’d been hers when they dragged her back to the land of the living.

That’s what a leader would do. It’s what her uncle would do.

Kira used her breathing to center herself. The slow, rhythmic in and outs soothing. Until anxiety and fear no longer ruled her and she existed in a state of quiet contemplation.

Alone with her thoughts, Kira had time to consider. To think and plan so that by the time the walls of her cell peeled back to admit Graydon, she no longer felt she was going to come out of her skin. This was the time for careful schemes. Not the brute force method of solving things that she was known for.

Graydon paused in the opening, one eyebrow quirking at the sight of Kira lying peacefully on the bed. “I must admit, coli. I wasn’t sure what I’d be walking into but this calm of yours is unexpected.”